July 31, 2017

I’m mad at myself because I’m running out of reasons to miss you.

I hope that I’ve loved you enough.

I hope that the times a smile painted my face when I think of you and the tears I’ve shed for you were enough to express just how much I loved you.

I hope that the notes and photos I kept are enough reminder that once upon a time we shared a happy ever after.

I hope that all those sleepless nights and unanswered letters will remind you that you were never someone I could easily let go.

I hope that all these years I chose to spend my time saying goodbye to you were enough to let you know that it was great, and I could’ve lived on those forever..

but I won’t. And it’s time to fully let you go now. Please don’t think I’ve abandoned you somehow, I just have be brave enough to admit to myself that it’s over. Really over. It’s been over for awhile now, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t live with my promise. It’s my turn to accept defeat, that I cannot love you as much as I wanted to, that I broke my promise that I’ll patiently wait. The truth is that I’m not waiting for you any longer, I’ve been waiting for someone else.

So please, if this is my last letter for you, forgive me.

Forgive me because I never thought I’d be ready to offer my love again, but not to you. Forgive me because when I look at someone else, I stopped looking for you there. Forgive me because I only think of you when I wanted to feel something and then found nothing there.

Forgive me for this is where I leave you, behind your back, among these words, beneath this dry eyes and with this silent lips. I hope this is enough.

 

Advertisements

To Alberto

 

We met at the Wrong Time. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. Maybe one day years from now, we’ll meet in a coffee shop in a far away city somewhere and we could give it another shot

A letter to Alberto

Since you came in without even knocking at my door, I never imagined writing you a letter. Though I did write something about you, it wasn’t even that long or expressive, it was more controlled and indirect to the point, maybe a bit denial and scared.

Life really is a playful thing. After a year, here I am now writing you this at 2 am in the morning because I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t stop thinking about the last summer … of you and me.

I shouldn’t be writing this. This is so wrong. I feel like I’m betraying you for allowing myself to admit these things and writing all about it makes it even more real. I told myself whatever this is I’m feeling I’d just lock this in a drawer. I thought I threw away the key but I just woke up one morning with the key in my hand and without realizing what I’m doing I’ve already unlocked it. I really don’t know what I should tell you, since it’s too late. You have her now.

I don’t know what made me think and feel this way again but each time I close my eyes now, I see you and I feel caterpillars in a hurry to have their wings, and butterflies going crazy as if taylor swift’s gonna join their secret tea party and I see when it all started.

It was almost the end of the semester and we were doing a group project that forced us to sleepover at our classmate’s house. I still remember those short conversations we had before we jumped into Charles’ car to Dee’s place, I bet you forgot all about it just like how you forgot the other little things but it doesn’t matter, it would always stay with me. I remember our first dance together and the exact words you asked me that midnight and how awkward it was [haha]. I remember falling asleep in the couch and waking up at 3 am with my eyes still half close and we watched the unfinish edited video project together. I went back to sleep after that, and when I woke up again I went down to Dee’s room to sleep in a real bed, and guess what? I found you there silently browsing through the computer. You asked me what I was doing there then I told you I wanna sleep and you said “again?” with a smile playing on your lips, you said to me to sleep tight, that you’ll just play music on the computer. And I did sleep without a sign of a heavy heart. I hate myself for noticing without caring, and letting those unspoken messages in your eyes slip away.

I remember it all too well and I remember not seeing you that time. It breaks my heart a million times when I see now what I wasted, what I was too blind to see and what a big coward I am, but on the other side you really can’t put all the blame on me, can you? We both know that that time was a really rough one for me, and every wounds need time to heal. Time…such a backstabbing illusion that we can never grasp, with rules we can never understand.

Time taught me that you weren’t the right choice before. Now, time opened my eyes. I see who I am when I’m with you, and sometimes just talking to you virtually not even seeing you for a long long time is when I find myself, that one missing piece of me. I love it when I act like a brat and you never [not even once] showed impatience to me, I love how I can share to you my twisted ideas with my twisted mind, you never judge me. I love how secure I feel with you, not being afraid of losing you with whatever I do or say, or wherever place I go to, whatever I wear, which people I’m with. You never based who I am from what kind of tv series I watch, the kind of accessories I wear. I love how you’re so mean to me, and allowing me to be mean to you too. I love it when I scare you, and you scare me in a different way. I love that unexplainable feeling I get when you start talking, like I always have to ready myself because I know you’ll be bombing me with all your crazy ideas and mean jokes. I love how you never interrupted my drama moments, the times you just listen and never complained about my usual drama. I love it when you bought me an ice cream because I was so down about my grades and you were there, never leaving my side the whole time, it was one of the sweetest thing anyone ever did for me you know. Maybe it was just any ice cream and just one of the many low grades I received but it’s special, because it’s You. I like it when you help me solve my girly problems. I love it when you tell me I’m Odd [seriously who uses that word to a girl?]. I love how you’re also scared with scary movies [haha] and how you never miss a conversation without making me have a good laugh. I love it when just thinking about you, you effortlessly paint a smile on my face.

It sounds really weird confessing about it huh? I’m sorry. I don’t really know what I’m sorry about. Maybe I’m sorry because this thing I feel is such a betrayal because we consider each other close friends or maybe even best friends. Maybe I’m sorry because until now I still feel guilty about what I did to you, maybe I’m guilty because really part of me wanted you more than I allowed myself to admit. Maybe I’m sorry for being a coward. Maybe I’m sorry for myself because by the time I had the courage to admit my feelings, that’s when I lost you. Lost, ha ha as if you were ever been mine. But we shared something special right? Please tell me I wasn’t assuming anything. Please tell me we had something just the two of us could really understand.

I’ve always told other people that we’re just friends, and nothing happened before, and if there was something, we both buried it a long time. Just now that I’m writing you this, I wonder when this all came back, but the ugly truth is… It never went anywhere. My feelings for you, it has always been here, hidden deeply, safely within me. I’m just good at trying to make myself believe that there’s nothing going on, sometimes I would slipped and get lost in your eyes. It happens, and I can also feel that you feel it too. I know you do, I see it in your eyes, I’m so sorry for saying this, but that’s what I think I see. I see longing too and I see a flicker of light but we would both blow that light off and pretend we saw nothing in each other’s eyes, even Zeratzel saw it too one time, and we both jumped from the sound of her voice, guilt written all over in both our faces as if the universe saw us cheating.

Remember that time I was with El and when we went to your apartment you weren’t there, so we left. Then moments later, you saw us, but just 6 meters away from me I jumped into a cab leaving you behind. Oh and there’s that time when I was about to meet Christopher in a café, but decided to just stay in school until 5pm, and I never knew you were with Christopher until I went to see him just minutes before you left. I’m starting to believe that time is playing us, we never met halfway. You always arrive just in time I leave, and I would always turn around by the time you decided to turn your back. Wrong Time, as what most people would say. I don’t really know what’s the point of writing this, maybe I just needed to pour all these emotions all at once and get over it? Maybe, just maybe in another life we’ll meet each other again, at the right place, at the right time, at the right moment of our lives. Or . . .

maybe, we’re never meant to be more than what we are now.

To the one I love the most

Then one day things changed, and it’s over. I’d be lying if I say it doesn’t still hurts, it does. It’s like a broken bone that’s healed and it still throbs everytime it rains.

I don’t know how to reach you, despite of the high technology that surrounds us, simply because you don’t wanna be bothered by a girl who still cries herself to sleep because she can’t get rid of the pain of her broken heart.

There are days that I would feel strong, independent, fierce, whole and someone who had moved on from her past and is ready to rewrite her life and throw all the pages of history away. Yes, that’s what I think I’ve become, but it never lasts that long. I would immediately realize that the reason that I am trying to be that person, and trying to feel that way is to prove that someday when our paths will cross again and I could look at you in the eyes and I will give you that smile that says “hello there, I don’t feel anything anymore” and walk past you and I’ll never look back, I wouldn’t even wait for your reaction because it won’t matter to me anymore because I don’t care and because I have a life now, a life without you in it. So you see, it is still about you and any sane person (even the dumbest one) can conclude that that is not how a moved-on woman would be thinking.

Look, I know (at least I think I do) the reason behind why you blocked me in all the social networking sites/apps. I get that okay? Maybe you think you’re doing the right thing for two reasons and two reasons only. First, so I could move on and second, so I could stop annoying you. It even occurred to me that maybe you marked my emails as Spam, but that’s your thing so whatever, I’m sorry I know you hate it when I say whatever, but..whatever (I rather you hate me, than feel nothing at all). But just like the weather, when winter season comes, its hard to resist the need for warmth. Every time I let myself out of the shell that I built to ignore you, every time I surrender the mask of numbness, I try not to cry because it’s super exhausting, so I just put on my earphones without playing the music and imagine that I’m with you again, I hear your voice, it’s beautiful Bam. You know how I always adore your voice except when talking through telephone because it’s so deep I can’t clearly hear what you’re saying HAHA but when I couldn’t take it, I send emails to your old email address because I know you don’t open it anymore which means it won’t bother notifying you that your freaking ex is still annoying and whiny as ever. When I wanted to see you so bad, I just play Subway Surfer, not to take away my thoughts but because your image appears on the right side of the screen where the player’s friends in game center and facebook would be so it will show the ranking and stuff like that. I know you don’t play that game so you have less points and your image would disappear if my score would surpass yours already. When I first saw your photo there, I just lost it all you know. I was so happy!! My heart skipped and skipped and skipped in every beat. That everytime I play I just kill my character immediately when the photo in the right changes to another friend and not yours.

After that, I got more strength to ignore any thoughts about you again. So I’m back to living my life pretending that I’m okay again, that I’ve moved on, pretending that life is super colorful and everyday is unforgettable.

Then another winter came. I played subway surfer, but you weren’t there. At first I thought maybe I lost my internet connection or maybe I have to update the game in AppStore, I checked but I did have WiFi and there’s no need for update so I panicked Bam, I did and it feels like the first time I lost you, I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared but I have no choice but to check the Game Center and that’s how I found out that even in the most harmless place, you erased me.

And I don’t understand why. You’re not mad, are you? Why? Why do you hate me so much? If you could erase me in this world Bam, would you do that? I miss you so much Bam, can you hear me? I MISS YOU. I miss all those times you annoy me, those times you call me fat, the times you closed the book I’m reading to get my attention, I miss our fights, I miss cuddling with you, I miss your fat belly, your obsession with boogers (I know it’s so eww, but you’re the craziest), I miss running my hands through your wavy hair until you fall asleep and when I stop you’ll wake up and ask me to do it again. I miss your smell, I wonder how you smell now, did you change perfume? you always change your perfume. I just wanted to Talk. All I wanna say is, how are you Bam? How’s the brat baby boy I spoiled so much? How’s my best friend?

It’s not that I only remember you when I feel down or alone Bam. It’s just that, if I give all my focus to the pain, to the emptiness, I would go insane because its too much to handle, and I know (if you still care) it’s not something you want to happen to me, so I need to find another way to survive each day. By ignoring thoughts about you and whatnots, but there are days when I get so exhausted maintaining to put up those walls that I build everyday. So I give in to that desire of visiting the past to be with you. I give in to that longing to think about you. It’s like recharging my strength.

Remember this Carved soap flower you gave me? It used to be Pink and now look at it. But it may look dead now, but the smell of it still remains. The smell will stay and that’s something you can’t take away from it. Just like my love.

I’m hoping that maybe when you’re bored or trying to find something or you’re just lost in the world wide web, and miraculously read this, at least you’ll know, Bam, that I, the girl you used to love is still here. . . Whispering to the wind to send you my secret messages, thinking about you every night, wishing in every stars, hoping that someday we’ll live happily ever after…together.

À toi, pour toujours

Bam bam