Cloak of Numbness

All the time travel in the world cannot make someone love you, the love of my life just drove away.

That time when I was about to go home, As I sat on the backseat of the cab, I wanted to look at you as the cab’s driving away, but I stopped myself and diverted my eyes from you, pretended to pick a song in my earpods’ remote because who knows it’s my last time to see you and I don’t wanna carry that memory seeing you for the last time feeling like some force [a force stronger than gravity’s] was dragging me away from you and even how badly I try to reach out I’ll never be able to hold on,cause even without that force that’s taking me away, I know you’d turn your back and walk away.

On the drive home, I listened to hunter hayes’ In a song, and I recalled our kiss and then I said to myself, maybe I don’t love him anymore because it really meant nothing to me, his touch didn’t warm me. Maybe I dont care about him anymore because I didn’t miss him when I left, I even battled with myself for more than a day if it’s a better choice to see him, maybe he’s really nothing to me now. Then I concentrated on Maroon5’s Wipe your eyes, feeling numb? I guess that’s the word, I hardly felt anything that time.

When I got home, I went upstairs to my room, took off my earpods, changed my clothes, turned on my laptop and charged my iPad. Turned my phone to Silent mode. Then sat on my bed with the lights off, then there you go, that light feeling I had on my way home? it wasn’t Moved-on, I realized, it was Self control, because I whispered to you that word again, “Promise“. Remember I told you I didn’t came to see you to beg or cry in front of you again. I told you I was doing fine. I just didn’t wanna scare you. I didn’t wanna ruin your afternoon, I didn’t want you to not talk to me cause I’m so whiny and annoying, senseless talker, and worthless creature. That numbness was the effect of too much self control because I have been so nervous to see you again because im too scared, scared of more more and more rejection from you. Im too scared to see you, and look at those bubbly warm eyes that are now too cold for me to handle.

When I’m all alone that’s when I felt the emptiness and loneliness cloaked every piece of me. For the first time for a long time, I unlocked it all again, I cried until I fell asleep. When I opened my eyes again, it’s as if I never slept at all, the heaviness and brokenness is still there, planted in the deepest of the deep of me. It’s as if a bullet was shot over and over and over again.

I wanted to sleep again, I whispered “I wanna sleep” then a memory came to me, at jesa’s birthday celebration, when you’ve been so cold to me then I told you that I wanna sleep then you let me lean on you then a tear rolled down my face, then you wiped it with your thumb, then we talked about it then you confessed to me that you know it when I’m upset because I always say I’m sleepy. That’s when I knew that you really do know me more than I know myself.

Memories. Each of it, so distant, i couldnt touch it anymore, theyre so fragile and i dont want them to be broken, like me.

It doesn’t matter if they see me as the ex girlfriend who still can’t let go, after this, they won’t see me anymore anyway.


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